The Journey Forward--Part 11

With shaky legs, Relena got out of bed. Memories of the nightmare still clouded her vision as she clumsily made her way to the window. She pressed her face against the cool glass, willing the remnants of the nightmare away.

She could still feel the weight of the gun in her hand. It was almost as if the cool metal was still against her skin. She shook out her hand, trying to rid herself of the sensation. But it lingered.

She debated trying to go back to sleep. But the prospect of tossing and turning until dawn was quickly rejected. She couldn’t spend yet another night that way.

With practiced ease, she silently made her way into the hall. She made her way to first floor, pausing at the foot of the stairs. After a moment’s hesitation, she turned to the right and headed toward the back of the house.

Moonlight streamed in through the floor-length windows, bathing the room in ethereal light. In the distance, she could see an occasional glimmer of moonlight on the river. She leaned against the window casing and just watched the water.

Yet even in this peaceful setting she couldn’t relax. The nightmare still lingered in her mind, hovering just beneath her thoughts. She could not let it go.

She had killed.

She had willfully taken another person’s life. Given the circumstances, she would make the same decision again. She would still kill the leader to save Heero.

But how could she find balance now? She was a pacifist who had killed. How could she lead the struggle for peace with blood on her hands?

“Hypocrite,” she murmured.

“No, you’re not.”

She turned from the window. Heero stood at the door, watching her. How quickly she had forgotten that he was there. “Aren’t I?”

“No.”

“No, in your eyes, I’m sure I’m not.” She immediately regretted her words. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

“No,” she said, shaking her head, “it was uncalled for. I shouldn’t have said it. I apologize.”

They fell back into silence. She went back to watching the river. But she stayed very conscious of Heero’s presence at her side.


Part XI With shaky legs, Relena got out of bed. Memories of the nightmare still clouded her vision as she clumsily made her way to the window. She pressed her face against the cool glass, willing the remnants of the nightmare away. She could still feel the weight of the gun in her hand. It was almost as if the cool metal was still against her skin. She shook out her hand, trying to rid herself of the sensation. But it lingered. She debated trying to go back to sleep. But the prospect of tossing and turning until dawn was quickly rejected. She couldn’t spend yet another night that way. With practiced ease, she silently made her way into the hall. She made her way to first floor, pausing at the foot of the stairs. After a moment’s hesitation, she turned to the right and headed toward the back of the house. Moonlight streamed in through the floor-length windows, bathing the room in ethereal light. In the distance, she could see an occasional glimmer of moonlight on the river. She leaned against the window casing and just watched the water. Yet even in this peaceful setting she couldn’t relax. The nightmare still lingered in her mind, hovering just beneath her thoughts. She could not let it go. She had killed. She had willfully taken another person’s life. Given the circumstances, she would make the same decision again. She would still kill the leader to save Heero. But how could she find balance now? She was a pacifist who had killed. How could she lead the struggle for peace with blood on her hands? “Hypocrite,” she murmured. “No, you’re not.” She turned from the window. Heero stood at the door, watching her. How quickly she had forgotten that he was there. “Aren’t I?” “No.” “No, in your eyes, I’m sure I’m not.” She immediately regretted her words. “I’m sorry.” “Don’t be.” “No,” she said, shaking her head, “it was uncalled for. I shouldn’t have said it. I apologize.” They fell back into silence. She went back to watching the river. But she stayed very conscious of Heero’s presence at her side.


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